Darkness, grieving, creativity and Winter
an update from the messy depths
It’s taken me weeks to write this post. I started in early January, when the sky was still darkening at 3:45pm and the bright neon glow of other people’s New Year resolutions and goals for the year was making me feel restless. I knew I wanted, and needed, to embrace the Winter darkness this year but that didn’t stop parts of myself telling me I’m worthless if I’m not doing, planning, achieving.
It is, right now, a dormant time for me.
In November of last year, my dad died having become unwell in August. My movement from Summer through Autumn and into early Winter was lived in day to day survival mode. Working, caring, planning for multiple scenarios and - finally - dealing with the admin of death and the mess of grieving.
At first I used the word stagnant to describe my current state, but that’s not right. I’ve been stagnant before, and this isn’t it. If I hold onto the belief that I have to always be doing and achieving, then I’m stagnant. If I - as I’m trying to ease into - release that belief, then I am being nourished by the darkness before blooming when the sun comes back. Like the bulbs under the Winter soil, I am dormant.
I’ve been thinking about darkness, and its (forgotten) essential nature in our lives.
Exposure to it supports our bodies to make the hormone melatonin, which helps us sleep well. Sleeping, as we know, leads to dreaming and to rest - both of which help us process, heal and imagine.
I’ve begun to believe that creativity thrives in darkness.
Films and plays are shown in darkness.
Stories are read at bedtime.
Film is developed in a darkroom.
The darkness holds within it the seed of story, and of possibility. Spending enough time in the darkness, I think, nourishes the health of our creative selves - strengthening the power and authenticity of whatever we do end up creating.
All that, and it’s also just really shit and uncomfortable to be in the darkness and dormant phase in a society that values and praises productivity and achievement. This time, though I think I’m going to stick with the discomfort of it all rather than trying to push my way through it. If there’s anything the experience of the past several months has taught me, it’s that life is short and it’s not worth putting aside the ways we want to live it just to make other people happy.
So I’m here, dormantly. I’ll write things as they come to me and feel important, and they’ll probably take a long time. Maybe I’ll podcast sometimes, maybe I won’t. But I want you to know I’m here, being nourished by the darkness and waiting for what comes next.
If you’re in your own dormant phase maybe you can let me know in the comments, and we can support each other?